“It is a joy to be hidden, but a disaster not to be found.”

Donald W. Winnicott (1896–1971) was a British paediatrician and psychoanalyst, best known for his groundbreaking work on child development and emotional health. His ideas about how children form relationships and develop their sense of self have had a lasting impact on both psychology and parenting.

For parents of neurodiverse children, Winnicott’s ideas are especially relevant. His emphasis on a child’s need for secure, responsive relationships can offer valuable insights into fostering strong emotional bonds, understanding your child's unique needs, and supporting their development in a way that honours their individuality.

This is one of my favourite quotes from Winnicott. Here, he reminds us that every child – and every parent – has a rich inner world.

“It is a joy to be hidden… "

For a child (and for adults too), there is something wonderful about having a private inner world — feelings, fantasies, thoughts, and parts of ourselves that we keep tucked away.

Hiddenness can feel:

• safe

• playful

• creative

• ours

It’s the innate joy of having an inner life.

Children do this naturally in play. Adults do it in reflective spaces. It’s the part of being human that feels free and alive.It can feel good to keep parts of ourselves tucked away: our feelings, our thoughts, our hopes. Having a private inner space is part of being human.

“… but a disaster not to be found”

But when no one really sees us – when our feelings go unnoticed or misunderstood – it can feel deeply painful. Children need to be emotionally “found,” and so do adults. We all need someone who understands what’s happening beneath the surface.

For children, not being “found” means:

• not being noticed

• not being understood

• not having feelings mirrored

• being left alone with overwhelming emotions

For adults, it means:

• feeling unseen in relationships

• hiding pain because no one is attuned

• never feeling met as a person, only as a role (e.g., “the parent”)

Together, we can create a space where both parent and child can be fully seen. A place where what has been hidden can come into the light gently and safely. Because healing begins when our inner world is noticed, understood, and met with care.